Russia:
Previous Tournament
History: Somehow reached the
semi-finals at the last Euros before getting blasted by Spain. Other than that they have never made it past
the group stage in a major tournament since they were the USSR.
Key Men:
- Andrei Arshavin: The breakout star of Euro 08 pretty much broke back in and became a 2nd rate player, gradually losing his place at Arsenal. Nonetheless, the diminutive winger is the key man for Russia, and his pace should trouble the mediocre teams in this group, if not as much for Europe’s greatest powers.
- Yuri Zhirkov: Another promising attacking player who failed to make it in England (Chelsea), Zhrikov will have the run of the left flank for the Russian’s, likely as a left-back. His versatility and combination with Arshavin will be relied on to get Russia to the quarters.
Best Case: They show themselves to be the class of
an awful group, then advance to a very familiar path to the final. As in 08, they upset the Netherlands, except
this time, they go on to beat Spain and then Germany in the final! Just
kidding, no one in this group is going to the semis.
Worst Case: The bizarre scheduling of the Russian
league causes most of the players to be off-form, and failure to beat the
Czechs on Opening Day sends them spiraling towards the bottom of the group.
Prediction: Honestly who cares? It’s a bad sign when a team this mediocre is
the class of a group, which Russia will show themselves to be.
Poland:
Question: What formation does the Polish firing squad
line up in?
Answer: A circle.
Previous Tournament
History: Only previous Euro
appearance was group stage finish in 08. Haven’t made the knockouts of the
World Cup since the 80s.
Key Man:
- Wojciech Szczesny: Arsenal shot-stopper is in good form and would really have to be if Poland were in a reasonably good group. I hope to god UEFA doesn’t decide to have two crappy teams co-host again so we don’t have to deal with groups like this. Also it’s not worth anyone’s time mentioning another player.
Best Case: They don’t embarrass themselves on home
soil like they did in World War II, and make the quarters.
Worst Case: Greece stuns them in the opener, and Szczesny
decides to add a vowel to his name and plays like former Arsenal teammate
Manuel Almunia.
Prediction: They’re as mediocre as it gets, but
home-field advantage is enough to squeeze into the quarters, where the
subsequently get Blitzkrieged by Germany.
Czech Republic:
Previous Tournament
History: Somehow they have a knack
for the Euros, reaching the final in 96 and the semis in 04. No relevant World Cup history since the
dropped the “oslovakia”
- Tomas Rosicky plays for them.
- So does Petr Cech.
- Balls
Prediction: This
is basically the only group ever where any team could actually finish anywhere. No one knows where they will finish, I’ll say
third.
Greece:
Go fix your economy or whatever.
Prediction: Not even mighty Zeus could help this team
repeat their Euro 2004 heroics.
Absolutely no chance they get to the last four and I doubt they even get
out of the group.
Summary:
- Five Best Players in this group:
- 1. Petr Cech
- 2. Andrei Arshavin
- 3. Tomas Rosicky
- 4. Wojecaskjoasgd Scaszvczhaczny
- 5. Sokratis Papastathopoulos (I want a jersey with his name on it)
- That’s pretty terrible. This has to be the worst group ever in a major tournament.
- Bold Prediction: At least four of the six games are tied, all of them 1-1 or 0-0.
- Yawn.
- At least when you’re watching this you know that the next day will be the Germany-Dutch- Ronaldo group.
- Order shown is predicted order of finish.
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- Adios
